Only On the Outside
by dyinghappyness24
Summary: Do you now how it feels to live your life without the one you need? How it feels to live your life without seeing that smile? How it feels to live your life, seeing the guy that only you love on the altar, standing besides a girl...that's not you?
1. Steps Closer to Him

**A/N Just a little stuff that I put together when I was…doing nothing…sitting down…looking around… ANYWAYS, to the story!**** Also contains language and other big kid things. Oh yeah and R&R **

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 1

I'm Chayce Amelia Grant, but people call Ace. I was born and raised in Minnesota ever since the day I was born; which was precisely on October 4, 1990. My favorite colors are blue, green, and purple. I don't necessarily believe in "love", or such things associated. I'm a hockey couch for the local elementary school students, and I enjoy what I do. I live with my four bestest girl-friends, Valerie Bristol Delanore, also known as Larry (cause we didn't want her be called the cliche Val), Liberty Everset Samuels, or more likely named Bert, and Sienna Love Millards, whom we call Enna, in a neighbohood where friendly faces are found almost everywhere, except for Mr. McLean, stay away from him! Anyways, you may be thinking, "This girl is just one of those perfect Barbies! Forget this story!"

WELL WAIT! I didn't even get to tell you worst parts! Here, I shall list them: I'm a partial emo, I got bullied at school, my parents died when I was eight, I was raped at thirteen, my boyfriend dumped me for some rich princess that lives in the posh upper-side of the world, and lastly, I can be a bit dramatic… Meaning, the boyfriend part, it's not really true… My boyfriend moved to California six years ago to, quote, "Help fulfill James's dreams,"! So, technically, it could be true! I mean, Cali is full of prettier, more perfect, and more talented girls than me! Come to think of it, I don't even know how we became best friends, well ex-best friends in this matter… They're names are James Diamond, the guy listed up there earlier who is quite the diva-man, Logan Mitchell, the smart one, Carlos Garcia, the gigantic ball of hyper, and Kendall Knight, the hockey playing leader, or, also known as my boyfriend.

But let's go on with my story now. I don't really know where it'll lead to actually... Like my mom used to tell me: "Beyond what the eye can't see, beyond what the ear can't hear, lies the story that words can't explain! Too precious for a book to hold, the secrets held forever in your heart." Nice, huh? So, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, my story! Go on now! Read! But, be warned! There is nothing normal here, so if you're some kind of freak-person that's super not abnormal...this will not be to your likeness...

"Ace!" shouted the strained voice of Sienna.

"What's up, Enna?" I asked, walking into the living room from our backyard.

"Someones knocking on the door."

"Okay..." I responded awkwardly. "What do you want me to do?"

"Open it." she told me, as if I were dumb.

"Enna, I was in the middle of researching something on my laptop! Why couldn't you've asked Bert? Or Larry?"

"Cause' they're upstais, crazy-face! How could they've heard me?"

"And I was outside! How could you've thought I'D hear YOU?"

"Because..." Sienna mumbled, realizing I had a point.

The sound of the doorbell then rung once again. "I'll get it..." I walked over to the door, unlockig it, and then opening it. I know you expected to see Kendall, in the sudden pouring rain, holding a white rose or something, but it was just Jesse the Fed-Ex teen. Yah, he got the job from his boss of a dad; a nice guy if I may say so myself.

"Sup, Jess!"

"Hey, I got a package for ya!" He smiled at me.

"I can see! Who's it for?" I asked in curiousity.

"It is for..." Jesse tried finding the name. "It's for Liberty!"

"Kay, thanks for delivering! Do I need to sign something or..." I trailed off.

"Uh, yeah! Right over here!" he pointed to a clip board in his hand.

I signed the paper and gave him a wave goodbye as he sped away in his truck. I then decided to go grab the mail; a few magazines and catalogs for Enna, a letter for Larry about doctor stuff, a couple of phone bills, and a letter adressed for the "42 Sisters", a name given from my close cousin who moved to California form North Carlonia. I wonder if she'd met Kendall or the guys yet...

I jogged back into the house, mail and package in hand. I then called out from the doorway, "MAIL'S HERE!"

They all came running towards me, screaming, "MY MAIL, MY MAIL, MY MAIL!" I handed all of them their mail and they grinned, opening it up, or in Enna's case reading it.

"What's that?" they all asked, pointing to the letter I held, that was the one for the four of us.

"Uh, I don't know... It's for all of us." I shrugged off.

"Well open it!" they shouted in unison.

"Okay, okay!" I led them to the kitchen as I grabbed a bottle of water, sitting on the counter, taking a giant gulp of water to calm my aching throat from all the screaming, and tearing at the envelope. I them read the geourgeously designed letter. "Kendall Donald Knight and Jo Clarissa Taylor would happily like to invite you to their wedding!" I abruptly stopped there, all of the surprise making me tumble off the granite counter.

The other three girls panicked for an explanation, Valerie being the first. "Maybe it was sent to the wrong address!"

Then came Liberty, "Or maybe there's another Kendall Donald Knight and Jo Clarissa Taylor out there."

"OR MAYBE," began the loud voice of Sienna. "Maybe...maybe... I forgot... Here, let me try and remember!"

"Please don't try and remember!" I put my hand in front of her face, shaking my head. "There has to be something mistaken! It couldn't have been the address because it was sent to the '42 Sister' and that's us! They couldn't have been different people because their faces are in a vivid pic at the bottom of the letter! Kendall's actually getting married to my cousin!" My eyes then took a glance at the extra things on the invitation. "And even better, we're freakin' brides maids!"

"Wait, let me see!" Valerie took the enelope and pulled out another folded paper behind the first, something about the brides maids and grooms men. She read it. "The following brides maids: Chayce Amelia Grant, Liberty Everest Samuels, Valerie Bristol Delanore, Sienna Love Millards, and Camille Roberts. And the following grooms men: Logan Mitchell, Carlos Garcia, James Diamond, Gustavo Rocque, and Jett Stetson. Please join us at (whatever the PalmWoods address is) on August 23, 2011 at apartment #4J." Valerie looked inside the envelope and picked up four plane tickets.

"Man, Jo must really want us to come!" Liberty exclaimed.

"Or Kendall." Sienna stated, tilting her head.

I then objected, "No, it couldn't have been Kendall."

"Why not?" Valerie questioned me.

"Because of what happened the day they left."

_6 years ago...  
>The day they left...<em>

_I was sitting on the couch alone at home, Bert, Enna, and Larry all somewhere I didn't know of. I was just watching some TV and using my laptop, until all of a sudden I heard the doorbell ring. I ran to get it, not really ashamed that I was wearing some black sweats and a purple long sleeve, sleeves rolled up and my bellybutton showing just a bit. _

_I opened the door and found Kendall outside, wearing his usual plaid tee shirt, beanie, skinny jeans, and vans, a suitcase right behing him that he was trying so hard to hide by the way I saw it. "Hey Kendall," I gave him a quick kiss and led him into the house, closing the door shut with his luggage outside. "What's with the suitcase?"_

_"Oh, that..."_

_"Yeah, that. Are you going somewhere?"_

_"Um, kind of."_

_"And where might this place be?"_

_"To Hollywood." he barely whipered._

_"Where!" I shouted in disbelief, my eyes completely wide._

_"Well, James made me, Carlos, and Logan drive him to this super mean producer's audition, and he made Logan cry too, then he said that James had no talent, and then I got into this fight with the security gaurds and they took us home. Mom wasn't mad and she made us these really good sanwiches, then the dorbaell rang and he wanted me to be his singer dog cause' I accidently sang for him, and we met the next day at the grocery store when I was working my shift and we made a deal to make the four of us a pop singing group..." he explained in one breath, leaving my with a confused look._

_"And you didn't tell me this earlier, why?" I asked him._

_"Because I knew you wouldn't let me go to California. So I figured that maybe if you saw me and how I was ready to leave and stuff, that you'd have to let me go..." Kendall explained shyly._

_"Why in hell's name would you think I wouldn't let you go to LA?" _

_"Cause' I know relationships are hard for you... I'm supposed to be that trustworthy guy... And, I was just trying to help fulfill Jame's dreams!"_

_"Just because you're a trustworthy guy doesn't mean you can't chase you're dreams or other people's!"_

_"Trustworthy guys are supposed to protect their girlfriends and not leave their sides, especially if their girlfriend is insicure about love! I didn't want to break your heart!"_

_"But you already did." I whispered, letting tears fall, pausing for a second as I stared at the front door behind Kendall, just screaming at me to let him get on that plane. "So you can leave."_

_I turned and walked up my stairs, barging into my room and bawling into my pillow. One of the last words I ever said to him was "Leave,". I waited just a second more and heard the door shut closed realizing, I just lost the best thing that has ever happened to me._

Back to Present Time...

"Oh yeah. That was pretty rough..." Sienna commented.

"So, what you're suggesting is that Jo shoved the four of us into the brides maids list without Kendall seeing it?" Valerie said to me.

"Larry, I'm not suggesting it! I'm knowing it!"

"Prove it!" she challenged me.

"Oh, you'll see it's true when Kendall has a heart attack over seeing us there!" I retorted.

"So this means we're going?.?.?" Liberty asked.

"Yup!" Sienna answered, walking up to her room. "I'm gonna start packing now! And you guys better start too cause' we only have two days to get to Hollywood!"

"Crap!" the three of us stated in unison, freezing for that one moment.


	2. Tears

**A/N Just a little stuff that I put together when I was…doing nothing…sitting down…looking around… ANYWAYS, to the story!**** Also contains language and other big kid things. Oh yeah and R&R **

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 2

Hollywood, California  
>PalmWoods Hotel<br>August 23, 2011

"You guys ready?" Valerie asked, positioning her arm in front of apartment door 4J.

"Ready as I'll ever be!" Liberty nodded her head.

"Hell yeah!" Sienna grinned evilly.

"I'm not ready..." I whispered, holding my hands above my mouth.

"Ace," Liberty placed a hand on my shoulder. "We didn't fly out to Cali for nothing! You get in there and show Kendall what you got going on!"

"If anything bad happens, it's on you guys." I stated, finally letting Valerie knock on the door.

It soon opened to the golden haired cousin of mine, Jo. She smiled widly and, after a few hugs, she let us inside. It was a really cool apartment; swirly slide, dome hockey, flat screen!

"Look at you guys! You've grown so much!" Jo grinned.

"We haven't seen each other since we were like eleven!" Sienna informed, beaming with happiness.

"Oh, guys, I forgot to introduce you to my fiance. He really is amazing!"

Jo excused herself and walked off to the hallway. Soon, she came out with her arm around him, both smiling. "Guys, this is Kendall Knight! Kendall this is Chayce Grant, Valerie Delanore, Sienna Millards, and Liberty Samuels."

"Wait. Chayce Grant?" he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"Yeah, she's my cousin! Do you two know each other?"

"We were good friends back in Minnesota..." he managed to say, both our eyes looking in seperate directions.

"Boyfriend and girlfriend acctually!" Liberty blurted out, smiling as if nothing were wrong.

"I didn't know that!" Jo kept smiling. How did this not effect her? "Well, I'm gonna leave you guys to catch up! I have to run a few errands! Byeguys! Bye Kendall!" They quickly kissed each other and she was gone, leaving us with a very awkward silence.

"So, uh, Chayce. Maybe we could talk in my room or something." His eyes still darted away from me.

I kept silent, until finally he looked me in the eye. "Sure," I whispered.

He led me towards his room and just before Bert, Larry, and Enna disappeared, they all gave me a thumbs up. I shook my head at them, soom realizing that Kendall was opening up a door for me. He fllowed in after and my surroundings came into clear view. It was his bedroom. Well, his and Jo's bedroom.

Kendall sat down on the bed and offered me the seat next to him, which I not-so-happily took. "How's it been going?" I could tell he still felt uneasy.

"I don't know."

"Do you...have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Oh... Do you have a job?"

"Yeah."

"How is it?"

"I don't know."

"Do you still play hockey?"

"Yeah."

"Is it the same without us?"

"I don't know."

He sighed a bit of frustration, and I kept looking at the ground. "Ace, you can't keep doing this to yourself!"

"Doing what?" I looked at him.

"Lying to yourself!" Kendall stood up, much taller and muscular than his sixteen year old self.

"What?" I questioned, confused.

"Lying to yourself! Stop trying to hide the fact that we dated! I know what you like and what you don't like. I know all your favorite songs. I know all your favorite colors. And I know that you still feel something for me!"

"I don't feel anything for you anymore, Kendall! I was the one that broke up with you!" I stood up, obviously not telling the truth, and frankly, he knew.

"It doesn't make a damn difference, Ace! Tell me you love me!"

"I can't..." I admitted, trying not to cry.

"Why not?"

"Because I know you don't love me back!" I screamed a bit into the words.

"How would you know?" he asked, trying to be clever.

"You're marrying my cousin. She loves you, and there's no way in hell you wouldn't love her back. It can only be one girl, Kendall. Obviously it's not me." I swallowed.

"Once again, how would you know?"

"Because I'm not gonna be marrying you in a week! She is! I gave you six years of chances Kendall. How do you know I haven't waited every single day of these last few miserable years, waiting for you to kneel down on my front porch with a ring in your hand, asking me to spend the rest of my life with you. Maybe then I wouldn't be like this!"

He was speechless for a bit, but spoke. "So you love me?"

"Only if you're willing to break my cousin's heart..."

"I can't do that."

"Then i can't do this."

I walked out of his room and into the living room, where Logan, Carlos, and James were gathered around Bert, Enna, and Larry. I could hear Kendall close behind, so I sped my pace. That, unfortunately caught the attention of the three boys.

"Ace!" they exclaimed, tackling me in a bear hug.

"Hey guys..." I answered, hugging back.

"You look amazing!" James added, smiling.

"Thanks! Six years can really change a person." I took a glance at Kendall, who stood in the middle of the doorway in the hallway entrance.

The rest of the night was a practical blur. We all talked and caught up, well I talked with everyone except for Kendall, pretty much. Jo came back with some pizza for dinner. There were a few added laughs here and there.

Liberty, Sienna, Valerie, and I said our goodbyes to the boys and Jo and started for our door. We all got ready for bed afterwards. When we all seperated to our room, I lay awake, just thinking about all the crap that's been going on lately, when all of a sudden my phone beeped, etting me know I had an incoming text.

**Kendall: I forgot to say goodnight :)**

**Chayce: I really don't care!**

**Kendall: Please don't be mad still! :(**

**Chayce: But I am. (-_-)**

**Kendall: Why?**

**Chayce: Because you're an ass!**

**Kendall: But I don't wanna be one! **

**Chayce: But you are! And just cuz you were my bf once, doens't mean I'l give a fuck about you six years later when you've already left me!**

**Kendall: You were the one that pushed me away! I never wanted to leave knowing you didn't want me to! Don't give me you're crap!**

**Chayce: If I can't give you my crap, then why have I been putting up wih your's ever since we started dating?**

**Kendall: Because that's how I knew you really were in love with me! Before you walked up the stairs that day, I was gonna ask you to marry me! We were young, but I just wated to know that you would've waited up for me! I didn't want to loose you, Ace!**

I shut my phone off and put it on my nightstand, just thinking, "Would I have said yes?... Would I really have wanted to marry him?..."


	3. A Famaliar Monster

**A/N Just a little stuff that I put together when I was…doing nothing…sitting down…looking around… ANYWAYS, to the story!**** Also contains language and other big kid things. Oh yeah and R&R **

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 3

_"Kendall Donald Knight, do you take Chayce Amelia Grant to be your wife?" asked the priest with a genuine smile._

_"No..." he responded quietly. The whole church burst out with gasps._

_I felt a tear roll down my cheek my mascara staining it with a mere black. "I was never in love with you, Chayce. I'm sorry I lied." Kendall admitted._

_"But Kendall, your my other half... I can't loose you! I need you." I whispered to him, taking his hand to feel my aching heart._

_"If you can't loose me, then why'd you let me go?"_

_"I don't understand."_

_"The day I left for LA. Why'd you walk away?"_

_"Because Kendall, I was afraid." I responded shyly._

_"Then it's your fault you're never getting a happy ending." he spat, yanking his hand away from mine and running towards my cousin, who wore another wedding drees, more beautiful and more elegant. And for once in Kendall's eyes, I saw pure happiness._

I screamed until my lungs felt like bursting. That was the worst nightmare that I've ever had. My loud yell for help out of my dream caused Enna, Bert, and Larry to come scrambling into my room.

"What the hell?" Larry questioned, her hair pretty messed up from sleep.

"Sorry... Just a bad nightmare." I told them.

"How many stupid nightmares are you gonna have until my ears finally build brick wallk to shut you out?" asked a frustrated Bert.

"Seriously Ace, there are no monsters comming out of your imaginative dreams to get you!" Larry scolded me.

The doorbell then rang a couple of times. "Way to go! Now you woke up the damn neighbors! You'll be lucky enough if they don't sue you for ear damage! I don't even know these people." Enna babbled on and on, walking to the front door as the rest of us followed behind.

When bert opened up the door, it revealed the one and only Big Time Rush. "Way to fuck up my life more! Stupid dream!" I shouted in my brain.

"What happened? We heard a freakishly loud scream comming from here!" James started.

"Ace." The three girls all pointed at me.

"Is everything alright?" Logan asked, worried.

"Yeah.." I assured. "Just a stupid nightmare."

"What was it about?" Kendall asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

"It was about about a monster who ripped my heart out!" I responded with pure attitude.

"Cool!" Carlos jumped. "Then what happened?"

"Then he ran away with my good luck jewel." I kept the same voice.

"What did your good luck jewel look like?" my helmet friend asked.

"Well, Carlos, it had a gold exterior, kinda like hair, and a diamond like core, like a white dress with pretty little particles of silver."

"Oh. Well, your good luck jewel really reminds me about Jo, Ace..."

"Really?" I asked, doing my best clueless voice at him and then shooting a death glare at Kendall.

"What did the monster look like?" Kendall asked.

"It had green eyes, shaggy blonde hair, and it was holding a stupid hockey stick!"

"You know, Ace, this monster really reminds me of Kendall." said James.

"That's cause' it is!" I shut the door in all of their faces.

"What the hell was that for?" Enna asked with a shocked look.

"What do you mean, what the hell? He deserved it!" I reasoned, crossing my arms.

"No he didn't! Now what really happened in your dream, Ace?" Bert asked in concern.

And from that point on, I told them about my nightmare. Every detail about the people who were there, the ring that the gift bearer held on the white pillow, the type of way I was feeling, and the look on Kendall's eyes, those eyes that completely shattered me.

"Maybe this means something?" Enna suggested, making my eyebrows furrow.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Maybe you're imagination is sending images of what you're feeling inside and placing it into your dreams, or better known as nightmares, to tell you that Kendall really isn't for you." Larry paced. "Maybe it's telling you that every single second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, of every month, of every year that you spent with him was a lie..."


	4. Walk Away

**A/N So, it took me awhile to figure out this chapter...I hope you like it. :) In this chapter, they're will be a three-fourths (3/4) of drama between Kendall and Chayce, maybe a tad bit of romance-ness. Oh, and please please please please pretty please leave a review! I'd really appreciate it!**

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 4

I walked imto he living room with a pair of denim shorts and a neon green v-neck with the same color vans; just like Kendall, I was madly in love with those shoes. I was planning to head to the beach since Jo's wedding thing didn't start till late tonight. To my surprise, all the girl were alreaady out and ready to go somewhere.

"Where are you guys going?" I questioned.

"Oh, Jo invited us to hang with her around LA! We were just about to wake you up and tell you to get dressed, but it kinda looks like you already are." Liberty stated with a toothy smile.

"Uh, I'd love to go but I realoly just wanted to go somewhere on my own for a bit.. I'll text you later and maybe catch up with you guys." I said to them.

"Cool. We'll just tell Jo." Sienna smiled as she closed the door behind them.

"Bye!" Valerie yelled.

At The Beach...

I found a nice spot just where the waves could touch my feet. With my arms wrapped around my knees, I thought once again about all the crap that's been going on lately. All of a sudden, my phone beeped with an incoming text. Fiddling with my phone a bit, I found a recent text from Carlos.

**Carlos: Ace, have you seen Kendall around? We can't really find him...**

**Chayce: Sry Carlos. Havent seen him**

**Carlos: It's cool :) Just giv me call if you c him.**

**Chayce: Sure thing**

A few minutes came and went and the sun was rising really high. With my hands dug down into the sand a bit, I took in a deep breath which was lightly interupted by a slight cough. And that stiffles couch was revealed to be Kendall; the grown blonde with his gorgeous eyes shining bright.

"Am I really a monster to you, Ace?" he asked softly, shifting lightly and looking right at the sand.

"I wouldn't lie about it." I stated, keeping my eyes on the ocean.

"Listen, could we please talk again." I heard him beg from behind me.

"No, just...just stay away from me, Kendall."

"I can't do that.."

"Why?" I asked, finally looking at him. "I may have walked out on us, but the last time I checked, you never came after me."

"I know, and I'm sorry, for everything. For leaving you, for never comming, and for thinking I could replace you."

"Replace me?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. Please, let me explain." His eyes searcched my face.

I stayed silent, and he continued. "A few days after we moved to LA, I started remembering you. After so much time of thinking about you, about us, it drove me crazy. My work habits went down a block; I was loosing it. The guys told me to..to find someone who could maybe fill in the empty space. And I found Jo.. But after a few months of going out with her, I realized, she was nothing like you. No one was.."

I was speechless. It felt like we were back in Minnesota, back in our teenage days, back in our relationship. But we weren't. We're older now, I'm older now. And I don't give into love. "What do you expect to happen next, Kendall? I forgive you and everything about us comes back to normal."

"What I expect to happen next is that I at least get our friendship back. Do you know how hard it is to be around you knowing you don't want me there?" Kendall narrowed into me, almost yelling at me.

"Do you know how hard it'll be to see you and my damn cousin get married knowing that once in my fuckin life, I wanted to be that girl on the altar, giving up all of every single thing that I had just to be with you?" I screamed, getting into his face.

"Why the hell do you have to yell at me! How is this all of a sudden my fault? All I ever did was love you! I always have, and I don't wanna stop.."

My heart stopped. Everything stopped. I don't know why the hell I did it, but i walked away; away from him, away from the drama, away from the past.


	5. The Pain

**A/N Just a little romance alert for all of you guys. I'm pretty sure ya'll know who the couple is.. Remember to review! :)**

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 5

It's been a few days now and the wedding process has become a load of work for all of us brides maids. And for some time, Jo and Camille flew off to Europe for the next day or two to pick up the souvenires that we had picked out together. It's been a awhile since they left now, and Larry, Enna, and Bert were all out somewhere individually, but I stayed at the boy's apartment, where Carlos, Logan, and James swore Kendall was out somewhere and wouldn't be home for awhile.

Right in the middle of a hockey game at around 7 pm, the knob of the front door began to move. I shot a death glare at the knob, and then the boys.

"Looks like Kendogg's here!" Carlos gave me a few eyebrow raises and walked into his room, Logan giving me a squeeze on the shoulders, and James a thumbs up.

"What the hell guys!" I screamed, just before **he** walked in.

Grabbing my bag as fast as I could, I tried my best to sprint out the door just until he grabbed my freakin' arm.

"Finally caught ya." he said, his eyes on me.

"Let go of me." I demanded.

"Then forgive me for whatever the hell I did."

"Sorry, but not all wishes can be granted." I spat just before trying to pull away again, but failing.

"But sometimes we can try." Kendall looked a bit less happy.

"Just tell me what you want, Kendall." I sighed, finally looking at him, my eyes filled with frustration that I was trying so hard to hide.

"My birthay's coming up tomorrow.." he trailed off a bit.

"Good for you!" I said sarcastically. "Now would you let me go?"

"Come on, Ace. Your not gonna make me spend my birthday alone, are you?"

"And if I do?" I smart-talked him.

"Then I'd have to hurt myself." He lifted my chin with his hand. "Come to dinner with me? Please..." he asked, leaning into me and just brushing his cheek against mine. "I can't spend another birthday without you." he whispered in my ear.

"Goodnight, Kendall..." I yanked my hand from him and walked to my apartment.

After getting dressed, I fell into my bed, and kind of lingered in that one spot for a while, and for a split second I actually considered going to dinner with him on his birthday. I felt bad just thinking about him being alone at that dinner table tomorrow. I remembered every birthday he had back in Minnesota when we were still a couple. He used to bring me somewhere alone where we could just be together. And on his last birthday that we spent with each other, he brought me to the lake; one of the best places to see the stars at night..

_That Night At the Lake..._

_Kendall and I picked a spot just a foot from the still water. His arm stayed put around my shoulders and we looked up at the stars. Every so often he'd kiss my temples, making me smile. _

_I turned and faced him. "What's your birthday wish this year?"_

_"I wish that you can be mine forever.." he whisp__ered._

_"I'll make sure that happens, Kendall.. I swear I'm never leaving you for anyone else."_

_"And I swear I I'll never love someone else as long as I'll ever live."_

I mentally slapped myself right there just for not keeping the damn secret. Well, I promised I'd never leave him for anyone else, and I didn't, so it was only him who broke the promise; the promise I believed in so much. I kept telling myself I didn't love him when deep down somewhere, my heart was screaming for him, and just because of that, I fell right back in love with him. I thought of how much time it would take this time for me to recover from it. And on top of all of this bull shit, he was still in love with Jo! Sometimes, at very depressing moments in my life, I just wanna get away from it all. I hadn't thought about getting away from it all since high school; when Kendall was still my love and only mine. I remembered how I thought of running away with him and getting to be completely carelees for eternity.

Suddenly there was a knock on my door. I shot up straight in my bed, ready to attack whoever was outside.

"Ace, it's just me! It's Logan.."

I sighed in relief. "Come in."

He walked in the room and took a seat on my bed right next to me wearing his plaid pajama pants and plain white tee-shirt. "He, uh, he's crying, you know. He really wanted to go back to the birthday basics with you; just go somehere special with you."

"He doesn't deserve it, Logie... As much as I wanna forgive him, he just did too much damage."

"Just, just forgive him! I mean you want to!" Logan flailed his arms in several places.

"I _don't _want to! After all the crap he's thrown at me, after all the time he thought of me as a piece of trash to forget about, after all of everything that makes me hate him; do you actually think I should just let go of everything for him?"

"Um..yes? Wait, I mean no, no! Kendall does **not **deserve it nor should he be forgiven. Please don't hurt me!" Logan babbled in one breath.

"Logan, breathe! Kendall means nothing to me anymore! Nothing! Please believe me.." I begged him.

"Ace, I wish I could.. But I know that somewhere deep down there, you're still in love with him." Logan waited for any reply, but she said nothing. That's when he realized that he was absolutey correct. "YOU DO LOVE HIM! Ace, c'mon! Tell me that you are! It'd make more sense!"

"I can't tell you that, Logie.."

Logan quickly asked, "Why not?"

"Cause' I can't be in love with someone who's about to get married! Especially since the bride's my cousin!" I answered locically.

"Dude, this really doesn't have anything to do with Jo!"

"Are you kidding me? Jo's like the freakin' Berlin Wall! She's the only thing that's keeping me away from Kendall! I know I'm in love with him, but she got him first.. Some things aren't undoable.."

"Undoable my ass! You know Kendall's willing to give her up for you?" Logan's frustration grew.

"No.. He couldn't..."

"It's all he ever wanted since the day you guys came. Kendall never stopped stopped thinking about you once you guys stepped into 2J! You'd be crazy if you said no! You won't believe how many times he comes to us for advice on getting you back." Logan added on.

I stared at my hands a bit. "What should I do now, Logie? I'm in love with a guy, who's in love with me, but is still love with someone else.. And I don't think I wanna love him either."

"Go to dinner with him tomorrow. I just feel so bad looking at him sulk around all day." Logan shook his head. "Ace, he's not as happy with Jo than he is with you. He only wants **you**, and only **you** can fix that!"

"I don't want Kendall back! I love him, but I don't need him to mess my life up again! I hate it when you make me feel guilty.."

"I'm not making you feel guilty, Ace! I'm trying to help you realize the options!" Logan took my hands in his, gently. "Kendall was your first love, and on the day you two finally figured that out, you promised he'd be your last love, too.. Don't break that promise! It was the one he believed in so much! He may have hurt you, but that doesn't mean you can hurt him."

I inhaled a quick breath and took my hands out oh his. Turning my head, I began to bite my nails, showing deep thought. "I need to talk to him.. Could you please, just, bring me to Kendall.."

He smiled his crooked smiled and led me through the hall and into their apartment. It was dark, probably around 11 pm already. He opened up the door to Kendall and Jo's room after giving their door a slight knock. I quietly stood behind Logan, playing around with my hands and thinking of things to tell Kendall.

"Hey, buddy, I brought someone for you.." Kendall looked up from his position on his king bed. He looked at me in shock. Walking over to us, Logan nodded his head towards me and made his way into his room, leaving the two of us alone.

"Hey.." I said softly. He shiftted uncomfortably, his eyes puffy from crying.

I hated seeing him like this. With reflex, I placed a hand on his arm, trying to comfort him. I realized what I was doing, I didn't want to do it, but I didn't stop. "Please don't.." I begged him. The hurt in his eyes only shattered me more. I stood a bit on my tip-toes. I wanted to kiss him, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I stood back down. My heart beat sped up and it only frustrated me more. "You're killing me here.. I just, I, I don't know what to do with..us anymore."

Kendall said nothing in response, his gorgeous emerald eyes drifting everywhere except at me. "Talk to me.." I whispered. "Tell me anything you want. Just, make things clear for me. I don't know what you want.. I can help if you would just let me in.."

"I want you.." he whispered in the quietest voice. "I want to love you like I used to before.. When you're here, Jo...she means nothing.."

"Kendall, don't say that! You're getting married in a couple of days.. And their's a reason why. It's beacause you love her!"

"But I love you more!"

"You told me you couldn't break my cousin's heart.. What happened to **that** Kendall?"

"**That** Kendall realized the mistake he made."

I didn't know what to say..at all. Kendall knew all the ways to get into me. He knew all the ways to how to make me melt. He knew all the ways to how to get all the answers. His head slowly lowered onto mine. No longer than a few seconds did I feel the sweetness of his lips. It was just like I was back in Minnesota: happy. My arms snaked around his neck and his around my waste. "This is what I want, Ace.. I want you and your love. I want it back.." The words took my breath away, but it felt too wrong. I tried covering the feeling as I lay my head on his shoulder. I wanted to make him happy, too. But was it worth the pain that it caused **me**?


	6. Bad Things

**A/N Okay, so, here's the next chapter. It has been FOREVER, and yes, I do realize that.. It is my fault, I'm sorry! I don't really know what's gonna happen. I'll just trying winging it at the moment! Don't hate! R&R! You reviews mean the world to me! :)**

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 6

The sun flooded into my sight as I slightlly fluttered my eyes open. I attempted to get up, but failed immediatly. Looking towards my side as I lay back down, I saw Kendall and his broad arm draped around my waist. "Jesus.." I thought to myself in pure frustration. I didn't want to wake him up, he looked so...peaceful...and happy, so I let him sleep. I held up his arm as gently as posssible and made my way off of his bed. Walking into their bedroom bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyebrows knitting together a bit. "This isn't my shirt," I informed myself, surveying its large size and white color. "Where is my shirt?"

"Right over here!" I turned around and met a hit to my face. I looked up and saw Enna, arms crossed.

"Why'd you throw my shirt at me?" I shouted into my whisper. "And why are you in here?"

"I could ask you the same, Little Miss Slutty Face.."

"Slutty Face? I didn't..." I paused for the right word. "Do the thing with him.."

"And you know that, how?"

"Because if we did, then I would've remembered, okay?"

"Keep on telling yourself that, Love Bug." Enna smiled to herself contently.

A groaning noise came from the bed, and I sarted pushing my perverted friend out the bedroom door. "Get out!"

She arched her eyebrow at me with a grin. "Just tell me what happens at the end of your 21st century story, okay!"

I slammed the door shut in her face and quietly ran over to the bed, jumping to his side. "Ace?"

"Yeah, what's wrong?" I acted as if nothing were wrong, which was the complete opposite.

Kendall smiled and showed off his emerald green eyes towards me. "Nothing.. Im just glad you're here."

He pulled me towards him and gave me a light kiss, which only got less and less lighter by the second. I only grew more guilty about this as the thought of Jo popped into my mind, and how I'd have to explain all of this if she **did** find out. But it's not like I didn't enjoy it, I mean, to be doing _this_ with your ex-boyfriend and it not being a complete scam, you gotta love it.

My phone buzzed from the bedside table, which I swore I left at the apartment. Looking at the bold black letters, I read the message over to myself a couple of times.

**Jo: We're landing at round noon. C yah at the airport cuzin! Oh and tell Ken to check his phone out when you c him cus he isn't answering.**

"Holy crap.." I mumbled to myself.

"What's wrong?" Kendall spoke up with concern in his eyes.

"Jo,"

He gave off a small look of aggrivation."What about her?"

"She's comming back at 12:00.."

"We have a few hours left. Just, forget about her for now, okay?" He pulled me back down, but I propped myself up.

Sitting on his stomach, I tried finding the right explanation. "Kendall, she's your gonna be your wife... You can't just act like she's something we can get through. I don't wanna get in the middle of this."

"You're not! Really.." Kendall took my hand in his and gave it a sweet kiss. "Please believe it when I say to trust me. I know what I'm doing."

"And I know what **I'm** doing." I reluctantly responded, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, and making my way to the door. "Believe it when I say to trust **me**."

Walking to the living room, I saw Logan eating out of a box of cereal, Carlos on the couch, Bert sleeping on Carlos, Larry looking through the pantry, James playing a video game, and Enna next to him, reading the latest Cosmopolitan magazine, all in their pajamas.

"We're hungry," Carlos stated nonchalantly as he stared at me from the hallway entrance.

"Cook for us," Logan demanded in his polite way.

"Like you used to back in Minnesota." James said, not looking away from the TV screen.

Walking into the kitchen and peeking into their pantry filled with **tons** of food , I pulled out some ingredients for banana pancakes.

"You're making banana pancakes, right?" James questioned from behind me, giving me a quick morning hug.

"Yeah! Only if you guys want it though." I started comming up with other options, thinking maybe their appetites have changed since our teenage years.

"Ace, that's one of the most stupidest things I've ever heard someone say." James informed me. "Of course we want your pancakes!"

Logan lifted me up from behind and spun me around. "They're freakin' amazing!"

"And we miss them, too.." Carlos gave me a tight hug after Logan had out me back down.

15 Minutes Later...

Making the last batch of perfectly golden brown pancakes, I kept a close watch on the bacon, eggs, and sausage. I was always the cook of the family simply because Larry couldn't cook, Enna was too lazy, and Bert was never around to learn. Although, the boys weren't too bad at help. James was fixing up the table, Logan was making fresh-squeezed orange juice, and Carlos, well, he was watching me.

Placing the last pancake on the stacked up plate, Carlos began to question me again. "Are you done yet?"

"Yes, Carlos! Now go bring it over to the table." I handed him the plate and grabbed the butter and syrup from the fridge. Giving it to James, I ran back over to the stove top. Putting the other three things on the serving plates, I laid them down on the vacant spots of the dining table. Logan came up next to me with a pitcher of OJ.

"It's all done, Chef." he smiled at me.

"Thanks, Logs!" I gave him another hug.

I turned in response to a tap on my shoulder. James stood there. "Are you gonna call Kendall, or do you want me to do it?"

"Uh," I thought for a bit. "You can do it."

"KENDALL!" he shouted, almosting busting my ears. "BREAKFAST!"

The blonde came walking out of his room, and made his way over to the seat in front of me. We all sat down and Carlos suddenly yelled. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, K-DOG!"

"Happy birthday, man!" Logan and James gave him the 'man hug' thing at their spot next to Kendall.

"Happy birthday, Ken-Dork!" Larry gave him a hug from behind, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Happy twenty-fourth, Kenny!" Bert greeted, mimmicking Larry by giving him a tight squeeze.

"How does it feel to be old?" Enna smiled smuggly from her seat next to me. "Happy Getting Older Day!"

"Happy birthday, Kendall.." I'm pretty sure I almost forgot. I tried not to look like it cause that would be plain rude.

"Thanks guys," he grinned, looking around, then landing his stare at me.

"SO!" Carlos interjected, taking a pancake. "Are you going to that date Kenny offered, Ace?"

Bert, Enna, Larry, Carlos, James, and Logan showed me their curious looks, giving me more pressure than ever. "Um, I don't know.. Jo's comming back and-"

"We'll take care of her." James gave me a wink.

Then came Logan with a devious grin on his face. "She won't be around here for awhile.. We have...plans for her."

"I guess I'm going then.." I stated, trying my best to sound happy.

Kendall smiled at me, and I forced a smile back. I did want to get back to the basics with him, I did. But I was afraid it would lead to something bad. Something that could ruin everything..

**A/N I know it was short and pretty much a filler, but it was necessary! The next chapter is expected to come up by the end of the weekend I HOPE! Don't give up on me! Please review, too! :) It encourages me a whole lot more!**


	7. What the Hell Is Going On

**A/N Next chapter, peoplez! It's comming out sooner than expected! It's even surprising me.. I'm quite the "Do It At Last Minute" kind of girl.. Anyways, I hope you like it! I still haven't gotten my priorities about the endings straightened out yet, so ideas will be appreciated. :) I'm hoping for motivating reviews from fellow readers, so thanks again! Oh and, incase you haven't noticed, the rating has changed from this point on.. I am now officially having the rating as M for some grown up stuff and excessive cursing.. So, uh, yah! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Big Time Rush is NOT owned by me…neither is the other stuff…just my stuff owned by me…my stuff…**

Chapter 7

Staring at the mirror, I flattened out my outfit for the hundreth time. It was a short white dress that reached above my knees, black lace wrapped over it, and a black ribbon hugging at the end of my rib cage. I wore black platform pumps, a black locket, and black stud earrings. My hair was tied in a messy bun with loose curls framing my face. Bert, Larry, and Enna said I looked amazing, but I felt a bit...overdone.

A knock on my bedroom door interupted me from my contemplations. Opening the door I found Kendall wearing a black button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbow, navy blue skinng jeans, and black dress shoes. "You ready?" he asked, leaning against the doorframe, a red rose in his hand.

I still felt a bit skeptical about the whole date thing. "Uh, yeah, I guess.." I forced myself to say.

Walking up to the mirror again, I took a look at myself, thinking: "Maybe this is too much.. " My clothes, my hair, my make up; something didn't feel right.

"Don't worry, Ace. You look beautiful." Kendall came over to me, his arms wrapping around my waist, and his chin resting on my shoulder. "Everything is and will be absolutely perfect."

Turning around while his arms stayed in place, I remembered everything. "Kendall, Jo's still out there.. I couldn't stand to be the **other** girl.. It doesn't feel...right." That was it. That was what kept my stomach knotting. It was the fact that my cousin was comming, and it was making me nervous. I never liked doing something that I knew wasn't right, and _this_ , well, it had **BAD** written all over it.

"I told you to forget about Jo. Just for once Ace, could you focus on the two of us. I know what I'm doing, remember." Kendall reassured me.

"I remember.. But the feeling, it's eating me from the inside out.." I rested my hand on my stomach, that I swear, was going to explode.

His eyes grew worried. "What feeling?"

"That feeling..when you take someone away from another person. She's yours Kendall, not me.."

Kendall had a small smile on his face and chuckled a bit. "Incase you've already forgotten, you had me first. You were my first friend, my first love, my first kiss, my first girlfriend, my first everything. And whether you like it or not, Ace, your're kinda stuck with me.."

"How?" I asked him as if that was impossible.

"You'll always find a way to come back to me." He held my cheek. "Or I will."

I didn't know why, but I kissed him, because I actually wanted to. I wanted to forget about Jo, believe me, I did, but it wouldn't be easy. I wanted it to feel like we were back in Minnesota, when I didn't have to worry about anything else. I wanted to be the one he'd be marrying.

"I miss you, Kendall Donald Knight.." I admitted to him as I broke away the kiss.

"I miss you, Chayce Amelia Grant.." Kendall gave me one last, sweet kiss on the cheek and started to lead me out the door. "Come on, let's go."

Walking into the parking lot, we got into the Big Time Rush Mobile. The weather was amazing that night, so I didn't mind being in a convertible. After a few minutes, making a right, Kendall told me to close my eyes. I did, but I wasn't much of a big fan of surprises.

I heard my door being opened, and a hand on mine. "Don't you dare open your eyes, Ace."

"I won't! I won't!"

I walked with blind eyes for awhile, Kendall's hand on my hip. "Wait, dammit! Um, uh, okay.. Here just, uh, I'm gonna carry you right now, so don't run away or something.."

"Okay.. I promise not to...run away.." I said awkwardly, feeling his cold hands holding me bridal style.

After awhile of going up, what I guessed, were stairs, I heard another door being opened. Kendall gently led me towards...something or someplace. "Open your eyes.." he whipered in my ear.

Doing what I was told, I saw one of the most beautiful things. We were on a roof of an extremely tall building, the sky was clear, and the stars were shining so bright. There was a picnic blanket on the far end corner, a few candles, and a basket. "Kendall..this is amazing.. But it's your birthday.. Shouldn't I be the one giving you the presents?"

Kendall laughed at me again. "Your my birthday gift, Ace.. You're all that I've been wanting.."

Hours Later...

Lying on Kendall's chest, his arm rapped securely around me, I felt different; a good different. But sadly, it had to end at some point. We left the building and headed back to the PalmWoods after, about, another hour of comfortable quietness with each other.

Kendall walked me up to my room, my hand in his. "Thank you." He smiled at me, his body pushing me onto my apartment door.

"You're welcome." I grinned back up at him, my hand on his shoulder to keep me stable.

His lips lowered onto mine, kissing me softly. The kiss became a bit rougher with every seond, lustful almost. His hand went around my hips and he pressed himself onto me, his body touching all the right places. I smiled to myself, a bit content, but guilty. Kendall's lips traced down my lips, to my cheek, to my neck, to my collar bone. He, somehow, took the key from my purse while his lips stayed on me. Leading me through my house and into my room, he pinned me against the wall.

"I love you too much too let you go, Chayce.." Kendall said through his kisses.

"I'm not going anywhere." I answered, my hands taking a fistful of his shirt.

The Blonde Beauty trailed his hands towards my dress zipper, sliding it down ever so slowly. Letting it fall to the ground, I felt exposed, but that didn't mean I didn't feel good. I placed my hands underneath his shirt, pressing down onto his skin everytime his erection met with my 'spot'. I raked my heels down his leg with full-on pleasure. Kendall took his hands and squeezed my ass every so often, lifting me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. I sucked on his neck as I felt him play around with my bra clasp. He walked over to the bed, holding me in his arms, and then placing me down onto the soft bedding.

Breaking away from our make-out session, I unbottoned his shirt with a playful smirk on my face. I laid my hand down onto his bare chest, admiring it until he connected the two of us back together again.

"You're all mine tonight, Beautiful." Kendall whispered into my ear, making me smile.

He, finally, unhooked my black lace, bra, throwing it somewhere. His head lowered onto my breasts as he kissed one and groped the other. I moaned in pleasure as I realized how amazing he made me feel. He closed his lips securely on one of my nipples, sending a tingly feeling through my body. I imagined how happy I'd be if I really were given the chance to be his wife. It probably would've been one of the greatest things that would've happened in my life..

Kendall's began to rub his thumb across my chest, massaging at my breasts and shoulders. Hovering over me, he placed soft kissel onto my stomach and down to my thighs. He took a hold of my panties, and pukled them completely off, leaving me naked. I saw a smile creep on his lips as he began pulling his fingers in and out of me.

"Kendall.." His name escaped my mouth, trailing off.

"Does it feel good, Baby?" he questioned, not taking his eyes off of me.

"So damn good, Kendall!" I let him know with a bit of a stutter. "G-Go faster!"

A few minutes had gone by, and a sexual look grew into his eyes and his expression. "I fuckin' want you in me, Chayce. NOW!"

He took off his jeans, and shoved me towards the heap of pillows. I know that Kendall proved chivalry wasn't dead, but when it came to sex, he was the boss. Before I knew it, before I was even prepared for it, he thrusted into me, making me drop my head back. His pace sped up and I started to grow extremely frustrated. I wanted to feel his mouth on mine, just for a second, but he wasn't gonna let that happen. He was busy right now. But, hey, it didn't hurt to try.

"Kendall, kiss me. Please!"

To my luck, he reluctantly crawled back up to me after a few more times of going in and out. His sweet lips were soon on mine, and I no longer had that feeling of want, because what I wanted, I had.

Licking at my bottom lip, and not waiting for my permission, he stuck his tounge into my mouth. Kendall began to place himself inside me again, not breaking away. I swear, I was almost at my climax. I moaned, about, every few minutes, reassuring myself that: _Hell yeah, I'm definetly almost there! _

Ten minutes later, and I was calming down from my orgasm high. I breathed heavily, sweat dripping down my forehead a bit. Kendall finally pulled out of me, and plopped down on the bed, more exhausted than I've ever seen him.

"I love you.." he whispered, turning his head to face me.

"I love you, too." I said back, knowing, happily, that this time, I meant it.

A smile on his face showed up again, and his arms wrapped around mine, making me feel safe. We just looked at each other for a bit, giving each other kisses as the time went by. Suddenly, I heard my door swing open.

"What the hell is going on?"

**A/N So.. Hey.. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Pease exit down that way where you can leave a super generous review! Thanks again for riding, and I hope to see you again soon! :)**


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